Revamp...

Decided to give my blog a facelift. Well, looking at my blog makes me down. So, I've decided to do away with the gloomy grey and adopt the simple and fresh 'white' look. Looks a little bland now though, I must admit. But no worries, once I figure out how to use Apple's version of photoshop, I shall spice up my blogs with pictures of my loved ones and hopefully, interesting snapshots of my life using my Apple baby~. LOL

Besides, from tomorrow onwards, I will officially join my beloved sista, Qian, on her journey of blogging, since we'll both be freed of the burden of studying! Which means, more free time to blog and NO NEED for anymore studying, exams, lectures, tutorials...omg, I'm loving just the sound of it... Hopefully, I would then be able to devote more of my time on blogging then~

Muahahahahaha... one more paper to graduation~
Wooo-Hoo.. I'm almost there! =P

My apple baby....

Yap, it's official! I finally got my apple baby after 3 months of hesitation and 2 weeks of waiting... To be honest, I was feeling rather guilty and slightly regretful for spending so much when I'm paying for it... but once I took a glance at it.... OMFG, there was NOT a single tinge of regret. I was instantly IN LOVe with it... And yes, spent a few hours drooling on it...The graphic interface is goregous!!!!!!!! The colour white is a die-for..and everything about it... is...... fantastic...

Hee... my first blog entry using my apple baby... actually, I've absolutely no idea how half my applications work... How to even shut it down..and where the hell to go to change my wallpaper...how to type chinese characters and of course, where the hell is the "Backspace" key!! (Which I realised after a while, there's none... omfg!) BUt of course, being shallow, it doesn't matter... it's the looks that matter... Who cares about the functions when my apple baby is just so drop dead goregous! LOL, I shall patiently (or not) master the art of using a macbook... I can do it!

Meanwhile, while KeY enjoys her droolin' days... her account is absolutely empty... BUT I still wanna accessorize my apple baby!!! still wanna buy a pretty laptop bag and a pretty mouse to go with my apple baby... Hee.. shall do so in Hong Kong and Taiwan.. at least that means my mummy and daddy will be paying for them... Muahahahahhahahahaha.... I am such an unfilial daughter..but whateva, for my apple baby, I don't care~

Sorry Zim, ah ping and ah pong, my greatest love currently... is my apple baby... =) Give me sometime lah.. when i get sick of it.. I'll come back to u guys!!! Meanwhile, you guys can be the supporting actors in my life! I still love u... just that I love my apple baby more!!!

Worries....

It's the time of the semester again.. Exams.. Gosh, have I mentioned how much I HATE exams?! It's such a lousy measure of my capabilities, but of course, as much as I hate to admit, it's an excellent measure of my diligence and hardworking-ness, which of course, I totally lack. Maybe it's because it's my last semester, I'm taking things so slow and easy... Can't seemed to be able to sit tight for even an hour to try to study. And seriously, I don't give a damn. But to be honest, I'm starting to feel underprepared and kinda worried (I better be, my paper is TOMORROW!)... And worst of all, I think everyone else is definitely more prepared than I am. I'm so expecting to be bursting out in cold sweat outside the examination hall tomorrow when everyone around start sharing how hard or how much they've been studying! Sigh, someone pleassssse tell me that they haven't been studying that much!!!! PLEASE!!!!!

Guess I should stop whining and instead, put in my heart and soul for the very last mile... (I've effectively 24 hours...)

Anyway, as I watch my 2nd Upper drift away from me (no thanks to "intro to cybercrime" and "ISM"), I'm losing my fighting spirit and any tiny winy hope of achieving it. Maybe a little part of me still do hope that I can do it, but of course, LAZY KeY has always been the dominating one, so poor HOPEFUL KeY has no choice but to remained suppressed. Oh well, whatever, it ain't too bad getting 2nd lower anyway. (Is that truly how I feel? Or am I just deceiving myself?)

Unfortunately, my main concern or rather, distraction at this point of time is not my paper tomorrow. Rather, it's a job interview in an hour's time. Seriously, I've absolutely no idea what to expect. I know we needa do some homework before attending any interviews, but still, sigh, what to prepare? what to read up? I don't really know.. and it's simply too early for my brain to function. Surfed around to gather some information here and there, but nothing's falling in place yet. Hopefully I can display enough confidence and, some wisdom and knowledge, that would impress them enough to consider hiring me. Sniffing non-stop thanks to the stupid aircon and even the tea can't seemed to take it away... God, help me~

Panicking right now.. For so many things and so many reasons... Can't wait till saturday is here....

KeY will survive... I hope...

My heroes personality test...

Matt Parkman

You scored 50 Idealism, 33 Nonconformity, 33 Nerdiness

I don't want to be a chump.
Congratulations, you're Matt Parkman! You're a great person: caring, hard-working, and honest. You might not have the best of luck, but you do your best in all areas of life. Your kind and responsible nature is rare, and you should be proud of it.

Your best quality: Heart
Your worst quality: You may take more abuse than you deserve





My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 99% on Idealism
	You scored higher than 99% on Nonconformity
	You scored higher than 99% on Nerdiness

Link: The Heroes Personality Test Yes, I'm just bored... Not my ideal heroes power.. but still, he' s pretty cool, at least I'll be able to read people's mind..

My mood today...

A picture speaks a thousand words...

My mood today is.....



All thanks to ISM....

I HATE ISM-ing!

Stoopid chen qiwei

KeY bangs her head against the wall... says:
your 'sistas' ARE smart
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
but is true leh
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
they admitted themselves
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
haha
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
yeah... i noe
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
aspiring social worker who doesnt wanna go into social work n promising auditor tt aspires not to be a partner
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
how "smart"...
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
haha
KeY bangs her head against the wall... says:
wtf.. thanks man~that's soooo... erm... encouraging
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
eh.. i got praises in front hor..haha
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
tt lessen the level of hurt in my remarks
KeY bangs her head against the wall... says:
aspiring and promising? WAH~ that's soooo, erm, kind of u?
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
yeah.. say thankew..
:: QiWei :: CPA and Tech Com Presentations... Even music is distracting... =( says:
haha
KeY bangs her head against the wall... says:
thankew.... happy?!

Stoopid Chen Qiwei...

KeY's illogical logic

The reason why my blog entries are soooo infrequent and laggy is not because I lack inspiration. Rather, it's just that I cannot find time to blog. (what's new) Afterall, I am an aspiring social worker (Chen, 2007) who is crawling my way through the last semester in school, of course I am busy, with erm... school work?

The reason behind the reason is as such; when I am at home in the evening, I SHOULD be doing my ISM (or any other work), which of course I don't. If I managed to convince myself that I should rest and work on it the next day (which is never difficult to convince myself) I choose to rest and watch TV and let my brain rest. Blogging is brain consuming and tiring, and is especially so for someone who, erm sadly, does not have much brain matter to begin with. Hence, blogging should only be done on days when I don't need to rest much or to work on my ISM the next day, which is very the not often.

So, that's why I don't blog often. *satisfied with her own explanation*

But if I do, please read it with your heart as each entry takes with it some of the previous brain matter that is in KeY's tiny brain...

Dying...

Stuck in school (voluntarily) on the 4th day of lunar new year.. trying to do transcibing for my ISM..and it's a absolute killer...

Have you ever tried transcibing a video clip with extremely lousy audio quality? If you haven't, PLEASE~ don't try.... If you have, I totally understand...

I cannot figure what hell the person(s) are saying!!!! They were either whispering and totally overthrown by the interefence (fuzzy sound) OR speaking sooo loud it's bursting my ear drums. It's soooo tiring juz trying to understand what the conversation was about, let alone transcribe word to word... Omfg...

Now, I'm experiencing the feelings of self doubt, and of course, self blame! Why the hell did I volunteer to torture myself this way? Yeah, I was just being lazy, thinking that using secondary data could save me lotsa trouble and of cos, time. And now, I'm remorseful... guess I outsmart myself again and simply juz dug my own grave....

This is such a torture... Attempt number 1 took me 3 hours to transcribe 5 mins (of a 3 hours plus video clip...) Attempt number 2 (still in progress) is, thankfully, slightly more productive. I've spent the past hour transcribing 5 mins worth of video, with 50% ambiguity, unfortunately...

This is exciting. I can't wait till the moment I am done watching and transcribing the full 3 hours plus.. It's been a while since I looked forward to something so much... and yet, as usual, I'm toootally dreading the progress...

I wanna die...

Random shots of my babies....

Yes, I admit that I'm bored.. and yes, I admit that I'm crazy... but still...

I love u, my two little babies...

Read-ing

How a book affects you depends alot on your maturity level or mindset when reading it. When you are young and ignorant, reading a philosophical book could be nothing more than pure entertainment or boredom... On the contrary, when you have experienced life (or similiar situations as the author), each and every sentence in the book could touch you in an unexpected way. That's exactly how I felt for "tuesdays with morrie"..

I first read it when I was in J2... Honestly, I didn't like it the least.. felt that it was boring and nothing more, despite the constant praises (from people around me) about how inspiring and touching the book was... I was more than eager to get rid of the book and was confident that I would probably never touch it again...

Unexpectedly, it became a book that was needed for one of my modules' class discussion... Being the guai ('erm') student I always have been, I decided to give the book another try.

I was amazed by how different it felt, reading the book again. The same book, yet at a different time, made such a huge difference. Each sentence, each session with Morrie was so inspiring and close to my heart thatI actually found myself, looking up from the book, after each chapter, reflecting on my life and consciously reflecting on my feelings and what I've done... I guess, having gone through death of a friend and having been through several struggles in life, allowed me to appreciate the book thoroughly.

Too many parts touched my heart that erm, (and I am rather ashamed to say this) that I can't remember most of it... but somehow I am confident that I would readily whip up that book and read it again and again each time I feel lost, confused or lousy about myself..

Yet, a sentence that I'll always remember... "Death ends a life, not a relationship"...

Some books deserve a second chance..

Feelings...

Been getting this uneasy feeling inside me... the feeling of not knowing what I want, the feeling of wanting more... the feeling of.. confusion and the feeling of being at a loss. This feeling within is sooo unbearable and I cannot explain the origin of the feelings....

I had a good drink with Kc yest... it felt good to be in a semi-drunk state.. cos being in that state allowed me to forget that feeling momentarily. I finally felt normal. At least I thought I was better already.. but once the alcohol effect resides, the feeling came back...

and it really sucks....

How can I get rid of the feeling for good? How can I be back to normal?!

Bedtime...

I've a habit; each night before I sleep, I would start constructing blog entries in my mind. As I lay on bed, preparing to doze off, my little (and literally, i mean) mind would start a blog entry. I would start thinking about what I want to write for my next blog entry. Word by word, I will create a full blog entry (that are relatively interesting) right before I enter the sleeping cycle... (Not that I wanna boast. but I think those entries I created were rather impressive and impactful)

And the best of it all..... is that I CANNOT remember a single shit the next morning...(of what I wanted to blog about, what I wanna write)... -_-"

I was tempted to wake up and start blogging a couple of times, BUT, dreamlands was always more attractive. Guess I have to compromise for such, erm, 'lousy' entries instead. But still, at least I can still, erm, relatively fluently (and at least it's understandable) express my thoughts...

damn....

What is your goal in life?

Someone asked me this question on last friday....

"what is your goal in life?"

I... I... didn't know.. I really didn't...

Amazingly, this question stuck and kept me pondering for the past 2 days. (and it's killing me~) I stopped to wonder what I want to achieve in life, and I really couldn't answer it. I went around asking people what their life goals are and received an interesting range of answers: from travelling around and helping people, wanting to serve the public, become a policy consultant, serve God, to living a happy and contented life. (I am proud of you, my amazing friends) But still, I was not satisfied. Knowing what others want did not help me find out what I want, instead, it motivated me to think, reflect on what I really want in my life...

I always thought my goal was to settle down with Z, get our dream home and start a little (not literally possible) family. But after speaking to others, I realised how insignificant and boring my goal in life was... I want something more... more exciting, more rewarding.. something that I should achieve while I am still young. And one day, when I'm old and dying, be able to look back in my life with pride to have lived life....

And maybe one day, I'll fall back on my initial goal and do start a life with Z. But for now... I want something more...

I want a set of goals that are operationalizable. A set of goals that are achievable and measurable. (seems like social work research methods are taking a toll on me) I want goals that I can work towards and when I achieve it, I want to experience a strong sense of accomplishment. I want to stand somewhere, someday and be able to tell myself :"KeYing, you have done it..." I want a list of goals that I can achieve, on my own, for myself. To be motivated to work towards it... and eventually, fufil my purpose in life....

Finally, after much reflection and thinking... (sigh, it's been long since I worked my brain this hard)

This is what I [really] want to accomplish before I reach 30....
1. Spent one year of my life in Europe...
2. Complete my masters in USA
3. Visit Kenya (be it on a holiday or as part of a humanitarian project)
4. Help someone....(witness a miracle? Am I being too greedy?)
And of cos, my little dream of my life with Z.

Honestly, I'm doubtful on how much I can do, or rather, how much I am able to push myself to achieve. But I want to try... a small step a time... and someday, I will be able to tell you, my dear friend, that I've accomplished these...

Till then, give me your support and have faith in me...

Maybe today, you can sit down and ask yourself this: "What is your goal(s) in life?"

Are you listening? or Am I not speaking?

I learnt something in class recently (and it's one of the few rare things that I could still remember after class ended).. In order for a friendship to be beneficial, functional and lasting, reciprocity is essential, ie. you need to give and receive [emotionally] in the relationship in order for you to want to continue the relationship, and more importantly, to listen and to be heard.

I realised the power of listening. It feels good listening to people open up their hearts to me, as it feels as if people are interested in sharing their lives with me. And I know, it feels good to know that you are being heard. But, overtime, I came to conclude that people speak more than they listen and I often end up listening more than I speak... (speak = speaking from my heart, not the usual rubbish i always babble)

And maybe the failure of such transactions (of listening and of being heard) has caused several of my friendships. At times, each time I try to speak to someone about my problems, he/she will inevitably link the situation to his/her problems instead and before I realised, the focus is on his/her problems, not mine...

Often I wonder, if only they would stop and listen to me..... and just take sometime off their problems to get to know the real me... maybe the friendship would work out much better... Yet again, I stopped to think: Is it because they are not listening? or Is it because I am not speaking?

Reflecting on my life, I find that I do not really share my deepest thoughts and feelings with many people. Is it because there is nothing much to share? or Is it because I, unconsciously, guard my inner feelings so tight that I would only share with few?

Being betrayed previously by a trusted one really taught me to save guard my secrets and thoughts...because it's probably better off this way... I guess I learnt it the hard way...

Not sharing is my way of protecting myself.. my own defense mechanism with a great cost -- several of my friendships...

KeY's ramblings

I enjoy reading my friends' blogs... the blogs always give me an insight into their lives, especially those that I barely get to meet. Yet, as much as I enjoy taking a peep into their daily lives and thoughts, it scares me to know how little i really understand them and, sadly, how lousy a friend I have been to them. Not being able to be there, and probably, not important enough for them to share their feelings and thoughts with me. At times, I can't help but start questioning myself, on how good a friend I've been (or not) and how hard have I tried (or not), and unfortunately more often than not, I conclude that I am a lousy friend. Guess I'm juz not making enough an effort...

Z made a comment about me today. (which i pretty much disagree with) He commented that if someday he should leave [this world]... (touch wood of course), he believe that I would be able to stand strong, and move on with life, with support from friends and stuff. I beg to differ.. firstly, I find that I rarely share my deepest thoughts and feelings with anyone (till date, probably 3 unlucky souls (including Z) have been my target board), so my world would pretty much collapse when he's gone and you can't expect me to cling on to the 2 remaining unlucky souls 24-7. And secondly, I know I do have a handful of friends who are willing to be there for me. Yet, everyone's occupied with their own burdens and would move on, I cannot expect them to be there like Z has been... so ultimately, I would collapse...

Okay, but my point is, I have been a lousy friend to many, and hence I pretty much cannot expect them to be the same to me in times of need... and even if they were there... I would feel uncomfortable and guilty for burdening them...

Reflecting on who i've been, I conclude that I'm probably not a "good friend" material... but for now, I really don't care (okay, I'm in denial, I do care, but I don't wanna do anything about it as yet)...

Maybe one day I'll regret... but for now, let me be the childish immature key for a little while longer...

I'm back

It's about time i return...(reading people's blogs really make me wanna blog too...)

That feeling is BACK, finally...