Dying...

Stuck in school (voluntarily) on the 4th day of lunar new year.. trying to do transcibing for my ISM..and it's a absolute killer...

Have you ever tried transcibing a video clip with extremely lousy audio quality? If you haven't, PLEASE~ don't try.... If you have, I totally understand...

I cannot figure what hell the person(s) are saying!!!! They were either whispering and totally overthrown by the interefence (fuzzy sound) OR speaking sooo loud it's bursting my ear drums. It's soooo tiring juz trying to understand what the conversation was about, let alone transcribe word to word... Omfg...

Now, I'm experiencing the feelings of self doubt, and of course, self blame! Why the hell did I volunteer to torture myself this way? Yeah, I was just being lazy, thinking that using secondary data could save me lotsa trouble and of cos, time. And now, I'm remorseful... guess I outsmart myself again and simply juz dug my own grave....

This is such a torture... Attempt number 1 took me 3 hours to transcribe 5 mins (of a 3 hours plus video clip...) Attempt number 2 (still in progress) is, thankfully, slightly more productive. I've spent the past hour transcribing 5 mins worth of video, with 50% ambiguity, unfortunately...

This is exciting. I can't wait till the moment I am done watching and transcribing the full 3 hours plus.. It's been a while since I looked forward to something so much... and yet, as usual, I'm toootally dreading the progress...

I wanna die...

Random shots of my babies....

Yes, I admit that I'm bored.. and yes, I admit that I'm crazy... but still...

I love u, my two little babies...

Read-ing

How a book affects you depends alot on your maturity level or mindset when reading it. When you are young and ignorant, reading a philosophical book could be nothing more than pure entertainment or boredom... On the contrary, when you have experienced life (or similiar situations as the author), each and every sentence in the book could touch you in an unexpected way. That's exactly how I felt for "tuesdays with morrie"..

I first read it when I was in J2... Honestly, I didn't like it the least.. felt that it was boring and nothing more, despite the constant praises (from people around me) about how inspiring and touching the book was... I was more than eager to get rid of the book and was confident that I would probably never touch it again...

Unexpectedly, it became a book that was needed for one of my modules' class discussion... Being the guai ('erm') student I always have been, I decided to give the book another try.

I was amazed by how different it felt, reading the book again. The same book, yet at a different time, made such a huge difference. Each sentence, each session with Morrie was so inspiring and close to my heart thatI actually found myself, looking up from the book, after each chapter, reflecting on my life and consciously reflecting on my feelings and what I've done... I guess, having gone through death of a friend and having been through several struggles in life, allowed me to appreciate the book thoroughly.

Too many parts touched my heart that erm, (and I am rather ashamed to say this) that I can't remember most of it... but somehow I am confident that I would readily whip up that book and read it again and again each time I feel lost, confused or lousy about myself..

Yet, a sentence that I'll always remember... "Death ends a life, not a relationship"...

Some books deserve a second chance..

Feelings...

Been getting this uneasy feeling inside me... the feeling of not knowing what I want, the feeling of wanting more... the feeling of.. confusion and the feeling of being at a loss. This feeling within is sooo unbearable and I cannot explain the origin of the feelings....

I had a good drink with Kc yest... it felt good to be in a semi-drunk state.. cos being in that state allowed me to forget that feeling momentarily. I finally felt normal. At least I thought I was better already.. but once the alcohol effect resides, the feeling came back...

and it really sucks....

How can I get rid of the feeling for good? How can I be back to normal?!

Bedtime...

I've a habit; each night before I sleep, I would start constructing blog entries in my mind. As I lay on bed, preparing to doze off, my little (and literally, i mean) mind would start a blog entry. I would start thinking about what I want to write for my next blog entry. Word by word, I will create a full blog entry (that are relatively interesting) right before I enter the sleeping cycle... (Not that I wanna boast. but I think those entries I created were rather impressive and impactful)

And the best of it all..... is that I CANNOT remember a single shit the next morning...(of what I wanted to blog about, what I wanna write)... -_-"

I was tempted to wake up and start blogging a couple of times, BUT, dreamlands was always more attractive. Guess I have to compromise for such, erm, 'lousy' entries instead. But still, at least I can still, erm, relatively fluently (and at least it's understandable) express my thoughts...

damn....

What is your goal in life?

Someone asked me this question on last friday....

"what is your goal in life?"

I... I... didn't know.. I really didn't...

Amazingly, this question stuck and kept me pondering for the past 2 days. (and it's killing me~) I stopped to wonder what I want to achieve in life, and I really couldn't answer it. I went around asking people what their life goals are and received an interesting range of answers: from travelling around and helping people, wanting to serve the public, become a policy consultant, serve God, to living a happy and contented life. (I am proud of you, my amazing friends) But still, I was not satisfied. Knowing what others want did not help me find out what I want, instead, it motivated me to think, reflect on what I really want in my life...

I always thought my goal was to settle down with Z, get our dream home and start a little (not literally possible) family. But after speaking to others, I realised how insignificant and boring my goal in life was... I want something more... more exciting, more rewarding.. something that I should achieve while I am still young. And one day, when I'm old and dying, be able to look back in my life with pride to have lived life....

And maybe one day, I'll fall back on my initial goal and do start a life with Z. But for now... I want something more...

I want a set of goals that are operationalizable. A set of goals that are achievable and measurable. (seems like social work research methods are taking a toll on me) I want goals that I can work towards and when I achieve it, I want to experience a strong sense of accomplishment. I want to stand somewhere, someday and be able to tell myself :"KeYing, you have done it..." I want a list of goals that I can achieve, on my own, for myself. To be motivated to work towards it... and eventually, fufil my purpose in life....

Finally, after much reflection and thinking... (sigh, it's been long since I worked my brain this hard)

This is what I [really] want to accomplish before I reach 30....
1. Spent one year of my life in Europe...
2. Complete my masters in USA
3. Visit Kenya (be it on a holiday or as part of a humanitarian project)
4. Help someone....(witness a miracle? Am I being too greedy?)
And of cos, my little dream of my life with Z.

Honestly, I'm doubtful on how much I can do, or rather, how much I am able to push myself to achieve. But I want to try... a small step a time... and someday, I will be able to tell you, my dear friend, that I've accomplished these...

Till then, give me your support and have faith in me...

Maybe today, you can sit down and ask yourself this: "What is your goal(s) in life?"

Are you listening? or Am I not speaking?

I learnt something in class recently (and it's one of the few rare things that I could still remember after class ended).. In order for a friendship to be beneficial, functional and lasting, reciprocity is essential, ie. you need to give and receive [emotionally] in the relationship in order for you to want to continue the relationship, and more importantly, to listen and to be heard.

I realised the power of listening. It feels good listening to people open up their hearts to me, as it feels as if people are interested in sharing their lives with me. And I know, it feels good to know that you are being heard. But, overtime, I came to conclude that people speak more than they listen and I often end up listening more than I speak... (speak = speaking from my heart, not the usual rubbish i always babble)

And maybe the failure of such transactions (of listening and of being heard) has caused several of my friendships. At times, each time I try to speak to someone about my problems, he/she will inevitably link the situation to his/her problems instead and before I realised, the focus is on his/her problems, not mine...

Often I wonder, if only they would stop and listen to me..... and just take sometime off their problems to get to know the real me... maybe the friendship would work out much better... Yet again, I stopped to think: Is it because they are not listening? or Is it because I am not speaking?

Reflecting on my life, I find that I do not really share my deepest thoughts and feelings with many people. Is it because there is nothing much to share? or Is it because I, unconsciously, guard my inner feelings so tight that I would only share with few?

Being betrayed previously by a trusted one really taught me to save guard my secrets and thoughts...because it's probably better off this way... I guess I learnt it the hard way...

Not sharing is my way of protecting myself.. my own defense mechanism with a great cost -- several of my friendships...

KeY's ramblings

I enjoy reading my friends' blogs... the blogs always give me an insight into their lives, especially those that I barely get to meet. Yet, as much as I enjoy taking a peep into their daily lives and thoughts, it scares me to know how little i really understand them and, sadly, how lousy a friend I have been to them. Not being able to be there, and probably, not important enough for them to share their feelings and thoughts with me. At times, I can't help but start questioning myself, on how good a friend I've been (or not) and how hard have I tried (or not), and unfortunately more often than not, I conclude that I am a lousy friend. Guess I'm juz not making enough an effort...

Z made a comment about me today. (which i pretty much disagree with) He commented that if someday he should leave [this world]... (touch wood of course), he believe that I would be able to stand strong, and move on with life, with support from friends and stuff. I beg to differ.. firstly, I find that I rarely share my deepest thoughts and feelings with anyone (till date, probably 3 unlucky souls (including Z) have been my target board), so my world would pretty much collapse when he's gone and you can't expect me to cling on to the 2 remaining unlucky souls 24-7. And secondly, I know I do have a handful of friends who are willing to be there for me. Yet, everyone's occupied with their own burdens and would move on, I cannot expect them to be there like Z has been... so ultimately, I would collapse...

Okay, but my point is, I have been a lousy friend to many, and hence I pretty much cannot expect them to be the same to me in times of need... and even if they were there... I would feel uncomfortable and guilty for burdening them...

Reflecting on who i've been, I conclude that I'm probably not a "good friend" material... but for now, I really don't care (okay, I'm in denial, I do care, but I don't wanna do anything about it as yet)...

Maybe one day I'll regret... but for now, let me be the childish immature key for a little while longer...

I'm back

It's about time i return...(reading people's blogs really make me wanna blog too...)

That feeling is BACK, finally...